'Obama to tornado victims: 'We inherited this weather from the previous administration'Hamas: Israeli air defense unfair to 99% of our missiles, "only 1% allowed to reach Israel"Voters Without Borders oppose Texas new voter ID lawEnraged by accusation that they are doing Obama's bidding, media leaders demand instructions from White House on how to respondOfficial: China plans to land on Moon or at least on cheap knockoff thereofPoll: Progressive slogan 'We should be more like Europe' most popular with members of American Nazi PartyMay Day: Anarchists plan, schedule, synchronize, and execute a coordinated campaign against all of the aboveMidwestern farmers hooked on new erotic novel "50 Shades of Hay"Obama meets with Jewish leaders, proposes deeper circumcisions for the richCancer once again fails to cure Venezuela of its "President for Life"Tragic spelling error causes Muslim protesters to burn local boob-tube factorySpecial Ops: if Benedict Arnold had a son, he would look like Barack ObamaThe uncontested absurdities of today are the accepted slogans of tomorrow. "Congressional Democrats: John Dean's testimony proves Trump is Nixon in disguise and must be impeachedBernie Sanders admits to being a millionaire, promises to eat himself if nominatedDemocrats: anti-Semitism means never having to say you're sorryAOC: aborting babies helps preserve the planet for the next generationBernie Sanders launches presidential campaign, promises to "build a great big beautiful Iron Curtain" around America if electedBREAKING: Justice Ginsburg released from hospital after breaking 3 ribs at late night bar brawl in Adams MorganDNA news: Senator Warren tanking in latest totem pollsOrwell studies: 84% of academics believe problems raised in 1984 can be fixed with solutions from Animal FarmStudy: the only people who don't know what socialism is are the socialistsPoll: 1 in 3 #FightFor15 activists believe movement is related to lowering the age of consent across AmericaCNN expert: Kavanaugh confirmation will increase global warming by 3 degreesHarry Reid comes forth to say Judge Kavanaugh didn't pay any taxes in high schoolHollywood to America: If you've got a flag on the Moon, you didn't plant that; some other country made that happenProtest march in straight jackets against Trump ends in chaos as participants try but fail to free themselvesHEADLINES YOU WILL NEVER SEE: California Gov. Voters in line behind her still suspicious, use hand sanitizerCampaign memo typo causes Hillary to court 'New Black Panties' voteNew Hampshire votes for socialist Sanders, changes state motto to "Live FOR Free or Die"Martin O'Malley drops out of race after Iowa Caucus; nation shocked with revelation he has been running for presidentHillary campaign denies accusations of smoking-gun evidence in her emails, claims they contain only smoking-circumstantial-gun evidenceIn effort to contol wild passions for violent jihad, White House urges gun owners to keep their firearms covered in gun burkasTV horror live: A Charlie Brown Christmas gets shot up on air by Mohammed cartoonsRussia's trend to sign bombs dropped on ISIS with "This is for Paris" found response in Obama administration's trend to sign American bombs with "Return to sender"Archeologists discover remains of what Barack Obama has described as unprecedented, un-American, and not-who-we-are immigration screening process in Ellis IslandGreen energy fact: if we put all green energy subsidies together in one-dollar bills and burn them, we could generate more electricity than has been produced by subsidized green energyState officials improve chances of healthcare payouts by replacing ObamaCare with state lotteryNASA's new mission to search for racism, sexism, and economic inequality in deep space suffers from race, gender, and class power struggles over multibillion-dollar budgetISIS opens suicide hotline for US teens depressed by climate change and other progressive doomsday scenarios'Wear hijab to school day' ends with spontaneous female circumcision and stoning of a classmate during lunch breakISIS releases new, even more barbaric video in an effort to regain mantle from Planned ParenthoodShocking new book explores pros and cons of socialism, discovers they are same peopleJohn Kerry accepts Iran's "Golden Taquiyya" award, requests jalapenos on the sideCitizens of Pluto protest US government's surveillance of their planetoid and its moons with New Horizons space droneChicago Police trying to identify flag that caused nine murders and 53 injuries in the city this past weekendCuba opens to affordable medical tourism for Americans who can't afford Obamacare deductiblesStudent job opportunities: make big bucks this summer as Hillary’s Ordinary-American; all expenses paid, travel, free acting lessonsJunior Varsity takes Ramadi, advances to quarterfinalsUS media to GOP pool of candidates: 'Knowing what we know now, would you have had anything to do with the founding of the United States? Bergdahl with only two options: pursue a doctorate at Berkley or become a Senator from MassachusettsJay Carney stuck in line behind Eric Shinseki to leave the White House; estimated wait time from 15 min to 6 weeks100% of scientists agree that if man-made global warming were real, "the last people we'd want to help us is the Obama administration"Jay Carney says he found out that Obama found out that he found out that Obama found out that he found out about the latest Obama administration scandal on the news"Anarchy Now!" "Planned Parenthood introduces Frequent Flucker reward card: 'Come again soon!

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